钻牛角尖: this is a Chinese proverb I learned in high school. 钻 is dig. 牛is bull. 角 is horn. 尖 is point or corner.
It means to take unnecessary pains; to study an insignificant [insoluble] problem; to get (oneself) into a dead end; to get into a blind alley.
This proverb describes the period of my deep depression. It was literally like drilling myself into the edge of the bull’s horn – and turning deeper and deeper inside and getting nowhere out.
While I know and believe in the proverb that a cheerful heart is good medicine (Proverbs 17:22a), a sad depressed heart is a stark reality of life. Proverbs 17:22b states that a broken spirit dries up the bones. I experienced how hard it is to tell myself to be happy; not to worry; to think good thoughts – whatever noble, pleasant, worthy of praise etc. And it did not work. I was sad and there seemed no way out.
Depression is found to be the no. 1 killer (not cancer). Depression leads to suicide. While I never thought to kill myself when I was depressed, I have wished for Jesus to return sooner so my depression would end.
By God’s grace, I got through my depression… I went through counselling. I prayed. God held my hand through it all. Somehow, hope gets me through. Love gets me through. Faith gets me through. Looking back I realise that life experiences and sermons I heard through the years help to reinforce each other. I get to apply what I heard or what I experienced reminds me of truths I learned from those before me.
I recall a pastor once preached on sufferings. Two truths comforted me: 1) Suffering shall pass. 患难会过去。2) Suffering is universal. It is not only me.
Another pastor impressed on me that in suffering, instead of asking ‘why’, ask ‘how’: Lord, how do I go through this suffering? What lessons do you want me to learn? Show me how – what to do? I remember Jesus said: In the world, you will have troubles. But take heart, I have overcome the world. So Jesus, show me how to overcome troubles.
I also remember the pastor shared a personal story. He said when he was a pastor in Manila, his daughter was just a little girl. One hot summer, his girl came running, “Papa, it is very hot!” He told her: Papa knows. Yes, papa knows it is very uncomfortable.
Jesus knows. He became a man – born into the world to be like man. He knew grief. He wept when his friend, Lazarus died. He was a man of sorrows. He suffered the way of calvary. He rose victorious against death with his resurrection. He now sits at the right hand of God, the Father interceding for me when I am sad or depressed.
Truly, it is a comfort to know that my heavenly Father knows. He knows everything. He made me; he knows exactly how I feel when I am sad. He knows what I am going through. So when I am sad and depressed and beyond words, how to pray or what to say to him, it comforts me to know that he knows. Somehow that is enough … to know that He is with me no matter and He gets me through… He sees me through out of the deep dark corner of nowhere – I don’t need to 钻牛角尖.
Praise the Lord!
Life walk with Marlene 