Danny’s Flashlight

Light of the world, a lamp in the dark, a city set on a hill.. These words remind me of my friend, Danny. When? When he was fighting and dying of cancer… How? Let me share an excerpt of the eulogy I wrote for him some 10 months ago.

On 4/9, Danny said: I’m stable but in pain. feels like a dog w/ sharp teeth biting my right chest n wont let go. I’m surviving thru much prayers esp at night I cant lie down. God is good. He makes me sleep when I’m exhausted. I’m truly thankful for that.

From 5/25-27: Scan results out, no good. He said: God knows what’s next. Don’t worry. I’m totally at peace. Pray for less pain. I don’t want my family to be affected when I whine or cry in pain. Thanks. I cannot explain the peace that I feel now.
“it’s not as bad as it sounds. God is good no matter how this progresses. I’m totally at peace. No worries. Thank you for prayers.”
“Let’s hope the med works. God is good. I’m not a bit worried.”

8/25, “I’m not afraid to go. I just ask God for another chance to share w others how good He’s been to me.”

Danny’s words testified that in all things (good n bad) God is good. He loved God and was devoted to Him amidst hardship. He loved people. He was dying and still thinking of God and neighbor. He wanted to donate whatever useful organs he’s got left. He asked for more time even in great pain to tell his stories.

Danny taught me lessons on dying bravely and living brightly even in the deep dark pit of pain. God enabled him to be a light shining in the valley of the shadow of death.

God took him first even though he was the youngest in our barkada. He was strongest when he was weakest because God’s grace was sufficient. Danny shone brightest when it was darkest because God was his light. Today, his voice resonates loudly because God’s Word was the only voice he heard and held on to. His life mirrored his Savior and Lord Jesus.

Today, Danny still speaks to me. Yesterday, his wife told me Danny gave me permission to share his stories whenever possible so people will know his God of grace. I miss Danny often especially when I have questions about the Bible, about things to write, ideas to share. He was a deep thinker, great teacher and fine writer. He’s witty, funny, silly, naughty and many more. Most of all, he’s my friend who loved me and whom I loved dearly. Tears falling as I write these words.

Around 1am today, I woke and could not get back to sleep. I watched some video clips on FB and chanced upon the Red Table Talk of Jada Pinkett Smith with the parents of Ms. USA who committed suicide earlier this year. Near the end of the talk, Jada shared her grief story about losing a dear friend. My takeaway from her lesson: Memories of our loved ones who passed on may fade. One sure thing remains: love.

How true the words from the Bible:
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Seeing God’s Face

There once were two friends travelling in a desert. They got into an argument. In the heat of the moment, one slapped the other. The one who was slapped, wrote on the sand: Today, my best friend slapped me.
When they came to an oasis, they decided to take a bath. The one who was slapped, slipped and fell in the mire, started to drown. Her friend pulled her out and saved her life. The one who nearly drowned wrote on the stone: Today my friend saved my life.
Why?
When someone hurt you, write it on the sand where the wind will blow it away. When someone helped you, engrave it on the stone where nothing will erase it.
“For to see your face is like seeing the face of God!” Who said this? To who? how? where? when? WHY?
Who: Jacob
To who: Esau (Jacob’s twin who wanted to kill him.)
Where/When: On the way home to return to his father Isaac; after running away/hiding from Esau.
WHY? Esau wanted to kill Jacob after he stole Esau’s birthright (Gen. 27-28). After so many years of hiding, God told him to go back home (Gen. 31:3).
Jacob feared that Esau might still be mad at him and ready to kill him:
1) He prayed to God about his fear (32:9-12).
2) He planned and strategised what he’s going to do to meet Esau (32:13-21).
3) He changed his plan again when he saw Esau (33:1-3).
Then what? I could imagine how pleasantly shocked Jacob was as I read v. 4
But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.
The brother-turned-enemy became his brother again. Jacob exclaimed: Seeing you is like seeing the face of God! Why? Because now you have received me favourably.
Lessons to learn:
Favour – an attitude of approval or liking; an act of kindness beyond what is due or usual.
Indeed, what a joy it is to have favour with God and man – that is how Jesus was described when he was growing as a boy. The same was described of Samuel: that he grew in favour with God and man.
Am I not happy when people affirm me? Do I not find satisfaction in gaining the approval of friends and family? How comforting is it to receive a kind word, warm hug and a firm pat on the shoulder when I’m feeling down! Whatever blessing I have, is it not a favour – an act of kindness from God beyond what is due me?
How many of my friends and family members or even strangers do i see as like seeing the face of God? Perhaps, many are, in different ways at different times, sometimes taken for granted?
When people see me, will they say that seeing me is like seeing the face of God? Do I extend the same favour that God gives me to others who need it? Do I forgive as God forgives? Am I kind as He is kind? How do I treat those who have wronged me? What is my attitude when I am the one who has done wrong? How do I extend mercy? How do I receive grace?

The If’s and When’s of Life

The If’s and when’s of life…

What if I get sick… what if I fail the exam… what if I don’t get the job… what to do when there’s not enough money to pay bills… where to turn when relationships break down… how to cope when death knocks at the door?

The Bible does not have a clear-cut answer for each ‘if’ and ‘when’ of life. One thing it tells us – Do not worry about all these things. (See Matthew 6). Instead pray. Oh, but many of us pray. When? When life is hard and problems come, we get on our knees, we ask for prayers.

King Solomon said a prayer for all the ‘ifs’ and ‘whens’ he could ever imagine in his time. Read 1 Kings 8 and see how he prayed for the ‘If’ and ‘When’: all the ‘bad and sad’ harsh realities in life: sin (v.31,46), wars, conflicts (v.33), natural calamities (v.35), sickness (v.37) etc. Was he not the richest, wisest, most glorious king in the history of Israel? The Bible says there was peace and great prosperity during his reign. (1 King 4, 5:4) Solomon prayed at the dedication of the temple he built for God. His prayer was not the typical ‘celebrative’ prayer.

Why ‘if’ and when ‘when’? ‘If’ means something ‘might’ or ‘might not’ happen. When is a matter of time – ‘when’ things happen. Regardless, Solomon prayed because he wanted God to be ‘present’ in his temple. He acknowledged that God is awesome, loving and kind; too big to be in the house he built (v.23,28). Solomon knew the realities of life and living life… of man’s sinful nature. He understood how nature works: drought, famine, sickness are part of life. Solomon realized man can only live and overcome these challenges by the hand of God. He grasped the importance of having God ‘hear from heaven‘ (vv.30,32,34,36,39,43,45), ‘forgive‘ (vv.30,34,36,39,50) and ‘maintain the cause‘ (v.45,49) of the ‘pray-er’.

Application:
Today, we can pray like Solomon. We pray for the ‘ifs’ and ‘whens’ – for the not so good even in the midst of prosperity and blessings. It is not being pessimistic or fatalistic. We pray because we want God to be with us whatever we’re going thru. We pray because we need his forgiveness if and when we sin, when we make him sad, when we offend our neighbors. We pray because God alone can maintain our cause. He alone makes the impossible, possible.

We pray each of us knowing the affliction (sin) of our hearts:
God, hear in heaven Your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all our ways, whose heart You know, for You alone know the hearts of all the sons of men, that we may fear You all the days of our life. (vv.39-40)

Lord, hear in heaven, make me Your dwelling place in order that all the peoples of the earth may know Your name. (v.43)

Choosing Joy

“Happiness isn’t something that depends on our surroundings. It’s something we make inside ourselves.” -Corrie ten Boom

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” 
-Proverbs 4:23

· So true… A thankful heart makes a happy heart. Today I am thankful for my oncologists. I am happy that EVEN THOUGH I have to take cancer maintenance med, I had a kind oncologist who looked after me for the past 5 years. I am sad that she’s not in the best of health. It is not by chance that God provided me a new oncologist who was referred by our doctor friend. To have a caring doctor (we’re ‘hiyang’ to each other) is a blessing. I learned so many things from my oncologist this morning. I am grateful that EVEN THOUGH my meds have side effects, there are remedies to make up for them. I am glad that EVEN THOUGH I have osteopenia, it is not that serious. It encourages me that doing weight exercises help to strengthen my bones. It’s inspiring to know that “people who do regularly exercises age slower.” After the visit, I feel happy. Thank you Lord EVEN THOUGH our bodies are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16

~from my joy journal written 12/5/2014… It’s been 7.5 years.. same principle applies then, now and always..

Remembering Moments of Grace; Thankful to the God of Grace

A journal of thanksgiving for moments of grace written the day after I was discharged from the hospital for my ankle surgery.

About 8 weeks prior to this day, my mom had just passed away. My dad was grieving and deteriorating quickly – unable to eat properly. I broke my ankle because I was groggy from taking sleep aids for my sleep problem. I was often anxious, sad and grieving.. 3-in-1 the combi state of of mind for a mental/emotional breakdown.. Amidst these scenarios, here’s what I wrote:

Ma,
You’re in heaven still praying for me. Please help me to be brave and learn the lessons the Lord wants me to learn.

July 22, 2016
9:02pm
I used to take for granted the freedom to go to the toilet and pee anytime I need to. I could go to poop whether little urge or not.. no harm to try. Now it’s so much effort – I need to learn patience to wait and wait and wait so as not to waste the effort – the exertion of moving from bed to wheelchair, from wheelchair to the toilet seat; not to waste waking/interrupting the sleep of Abi, not to put her effort of helping me transfer from seat to seat, to push me to the toilet, to hold my leg up, to prop it on the stool..
I thank you Lord for my family. Andrew keeps telling me how much he loves me, holding my hair, kissing me on the forehead, holding my hand, hugging me.

Thank you for Han who helps me take my bath, prepares my clothes, my toiletries, help bring me to the chair in the shower, put on the plastic bag to cover my leg – carefully taping the masking tape to seal the hole, getting behind me to get the water in the right temperature, the right volume so as not to splash all over the floor outside the shower cubicle, for washing my hair, rinsing it, soaping my back, rinsing it, for helping me stand and wiping my behind, for helping me put on my underwear, my clothes, for getting herself wet and help me finish my bath before taking her own. Even Abigail did the same – and they don’t mind that they get wet again even after they had already taken their bath.

Thankful that Han and Abs wake so quick at the slightest call. Thank you Lord that you gave Han the strength to go to work when needed, and to take leave just to help take care of me during the 3 days stay at the hospital. Thankful for Abs’ care during the night – to get up to help me get on the commode, to throw the urine in the toilet and clean it herself even though she could let the nurses or nursing aide do it. Thank u Lord that she can get right back to sleep after all that’s needed to help me. (Abi just started her 3rd year at med school. She and Han took turns caring for me at night. God’s timing is perfect.)

I’m so touched, on her own initiative she brought the Eskinol for me to wipe my face during the stay in the hospital knowing that it’s my nightly routine.

I wanted to make things simple – didn’t want to be too burdensome. But when nurses outside don’t respond after pressing and pressing the button, even 30 minutes after replying that he’s coming but did not, what else to do but to wake your own sleepy child to help you. It’s alright. She gladly does it – even beyond what I asked her to. She loves me. It’s ok – I’m her mom – I took care of her when she was young – when she didn’t even know how to ask for my help.

It’s alright to ask help and receive love from my child. Even though I thought that me at 54 and they about or less than half my age, it’s too early for them to be taking care of me. Shouldn’t it be more in the distant future?

Re-reading this story reminds me God is gracious. In whatever circumstance, I need to be thankful and mindful of small moments of big grace… big things come in small packages if only we’re attentive to the voice of the Holy Spirit to teach us godly contentment and gratitude to the God of grace.

Peace in the Pit and Prison of Life

From the pit to the prison to the palace… that about summed up the life of Joseph! Is that it? Nope… not quite…

He was 17 tending his father’s flock and sent to look on his brothers when he was thrown in the pit then sold to be a slave. He was sent to prison because he was falsely accused for sexual harrassment.

He regained his freedom at the age of 30 to be the 2nd in command of all of Egypt in the palace of Pharaoh. There was none like him – he had position and power, wisdom and wealth, fame and family.

At that point in time, we see how he felt when he named his sons: Gen 41:51-52 Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said,

“It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”

He saw God whether he was glad or sad; in both suffering and blessings.
It was said that life begins at 40! Joseph at 39, finally found peace and reconciliation with his brothers. He wept so loud everyone outside the palace heard him. It was such an emotional reunion. How did he feel to finally see the people his own blood, the very ones who sold him into slavery? How could he still hug and kiss them? How could he forgave them for all they’ve done? Because at the end of it all, Joseph sees God’s hand in everything. Joseph said to his brothers:

Genesis 45
And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. 6 For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. 7 But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.

An abundant life does not consist of roses without thorns, smooth highways without valleys. Even a thorny life is beautiful and deep valleys are not total darkness when see behind the lens of a loving God.

Joseph at 40 saw and lived life as more than just places of pit, prison and palace. He lived his life in the presence of a loving God. He saw God’s hand moving and guiding. He witnessed God’s presence and share this presence with the people around him. He acknowledged God both in the good and the bad.

Where are you now in life? In a deep dark pit? Lonely, afraid, worried? Or perhaps in prison? Enslaved by pursuits of things that bring temporal satisfaction? Or maybe in a palace of the good life? In spite and despite every circumstance or whatever you are going through right now? Are you at peace? Shalom – the ultimate word for well-being.

Shalom is more than just simple peace; it is a complete peace. It is a feeling of contentment, completeness, wholeness, well being and harmony.

According to Strong’s Concordance 7965 Shalom means health, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, the absence of agitation or discord. Shalom comes from the root verb shalom meaning to be complete, perfect and full. In modern Hebrew the obviously related word Shelem means to pay for, and Shulam means to be fully paid.

Jesus fully paid the price for peace – peace with God and peace with man. As Joseph lived a life of peace, let us live shalom because Emmanuel, God is with us… even in such a time as this.

Peace be with you, my friend.

Lessons from the pit and prison of life…

From the pit to the prison to the palace… that about summed up the life of Joseph! Is that it? Nope… not quite…

He was 17 tending his father’s flock and sent to look on his brothers when he was thrown in the pit then sold to be a slave.

He was sent to prison because he was falsely accused for sexual harrassment.

He regained his freedom at the age of 30 to be the 2nd in command of all of Egypt in the palace of Pharaoh. There was none like him – he had position and power, wisdom and wealth, fame and family.

At that point in time, we see how he felt when he named his sons: Gen 41:51-52 Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”
He saw God whether he was glad or sad; in both suffering and blessings.

It was said that life begins at 40! Joseph at 39, finally found peace and reconciliation with his brothers. He wept so loud everyone outside the palace heard him. It was such an emotional reunion. How did he feel to finally see the people his own blood, the very ones who sold him into slavery? How could he still hug and kiss them? How could he forgave them for all they’ve done? Because at the end of it all, Joseph sees God’s hand in everything. Joseph said to his brothers:

Genesis 45
And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. 6 For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping. 7 But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.

An abundant life does not consist of roses without thorns, smooth highways without valleys. Even a thorny life is beautiful and deep valleys are not total darkness when see behind the lens of a loving God.

Joseph at 40 saw and lived life as more than just places of pit, prison and palace. He lived his life in the presence of a loving God. He saw God’s hand moving and guiding. He witnessed God’s presence and share this presence with the people around him. He acknowledged God both in the good and the bad.

Where are you now in life? In a deep dark pit? Lonely, afraid, worried? Or perhaps in prison? Enslaved by pursuits of things that bring temporal satisfaction? Or maybe in a palace of the good life? In spite and despite every circumstance or whatever you are going through right now? Are you at peace? Shalom – the ultimate word for well-being.

Shalom is more then just simply peace; it is a complete peace. It is a feeling of contentment, completeness, wholeness, well being and harmony.

According to Strong’s Concordance 7965 Shalom means completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord. Shalom comes from the root verb shalom meaning to be complete, perfect and full. In modern Hebrew the obviously related word Shelem means to pay for, and Shulam means to be fully paid.

Jesus fully paid the price for peace – peace with God and peace with man. As Joseph lived a life of peace, let us live shalom because Emmanuel, God is with us… even in such a time as this.

Peace be with you, my friend.

饮水思源: Remember and Be thankful.

饮水思源 is a Chinese proverb, its literal meaning: drink (饮) water (水) think (思) source (源).

I remember hubby used to tell me while driving by a certain highway, that he used to commute many rides to visit his client along that road. If he should find it necessary to commute again, he would be just as grateful to do so as he did before.

Today, even as I live in a comfortable house, I want to remember with fondness the small apartment my family lived in when I was in high school. There was just one small bedroom to fit one bed for my parents. Marian and I slept in our foldable beds in the kitchen/dining area. Even so, we were a happy blessed family – we had a school and a church – just a few minutes walk away. We had more than one place to call home.

In the OT, God again and again, reminded that the Israelites were once slaves and foreigners in the land of Egypt. They were redeemed and called to the promise land by the love of God – who chose them as His own people. As such, they were called to remember to treat the needy/poor/marginalized people – orphans/widows/foreigners as God treated them.

The Christian is called to a life of remembering the grace of God. He is to remember His Creator – the source from whom all blessings flow. The journey is not always smooth but there is always assurance that God sees him through.

All my life is about God’s grace from the first day I was born, God saved me from being an orphan when He saved my mom from bleeding to death when she gave birth to me. When i lost my first baby – a boy, it was a painful event for me. God gave me 3 daughters instead.

When I got the big C, I experienced God’s presence more than any moment in my life – his warm embrace got me through all the treatment until today. When I went through the dark night of the soul – in my depression, God walked me through.

The journey is not yet over – each day is a challenge to stay joyful in spite of many unhappy things that the reality of life brings. How do I cope with these challenges? I remember.. I recall… I recount God’s blessings to me in the past.. how He healed me, how He forgave me.. how He saw me through, how He held my hand… how He embraced me and comforted me.. how He disciplined me.

From past to present, in the days to come, let me not forget – God is good and he will see me through.

Memories to cherish; Moments to celebrate

Memories… light the corners of my mind…these words from a song came to mind as I read this verse:
Deuteronomy 16
3….so that you may remember all the days of your life the day when you came out of the land of Egypt.

This chapter is all about festive celebrations that God wanted the Israelites to observe. What for? So they would remember all their lives throughout the generations that special day of liberation… so they would not forget their Redeemer God – the God who freed them from bondage of slavery.

When I was young, I had better memory: i could memorise all the lessons/facts/formulas/details of all the subjects in school. I even memorised all the schedules of my favourite TV shows – days, time, channels etc. Then there were birthdays, phone numbers, bank account numbers etc. As ageing caught up with me, i am often frustrated that I cannot even remember whether i took my meds 5 minutes after I did.

Indeed our capacity to remember is an important asset of our being. A person with amnesia can be likened to a tree with no root. It’s terrible not to remember your past – even the good and the bad. While we need to let go of the past with its wrongs, errors, mistakes, regrets – for our actions and those of others, we also need to hold on to the good.. the right, the hurdles we leaped through, the temptations we overcome, the healing and the guidance we had – that led us up to where we are now.

There is a Chinese saying: 饮水思原. Drink water and think of its origin.
Children of God need to always remember… remember God’s blessings, guidance and even discipline on them. Every moment, day by day, all by God’s grace and mercy – let these memories light the corners of my mind and my heart – that I will not forget lest I stumble and fall and stay fallen along this journey called life.

Deuteronomy 16:1-17, 3 times a year, God instructed the Israelites to celebrate 3 feasts: Feast of Passover (Unleavened Bread), Feast of Weeks, Feast of Booths.

1) Why: To remember… God’s liberation from slavery; God’s provision during harvest
2) Where: in the place where the Lord chooses to establish His name. vv. 2,6,11,15
3) Celebrate with whom: with sons/daughters, slaves, Levites, foreigners, orphans and widows (Celebrating God’s goodness is not exclusive – they were to celebrate with all – slave or free, foreign or local, poor or rich) vv.11, 14
4) How: They are not to celebrate empty-handed. Every man shall give as he is able, (NASB) according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you. (NIV) in proportion to the way the Lord your God has blessed you. vv.10, 17.

A feast is a time of celebration and thanksgiving. It is a time of worship.
1) In worship, we remember… we recall God’s deliverance, God’s protection and God’s provision.
2) When we worship, is God’s name glorified? Is our place of worship the place where He chooses to establish His name?
3) When we worship, do we include all people…even the marginalized?
4) What do we bring before God in our worship? Do we give according to the blessing of the Lord our God has given us?

Be Sad and Glad

No man is an island. Not even a hermit. God created man to have a relationship with him. God said it is not good for man to be alone. He created a helper for him.
In life’s journey, I am glad I am not alone. I have companions along the way – whether good or bad, sad or glad.

In good times, be thankful. In bad times, be sad but choose to be thankful…Thankful for the good times and thankful for moments of grace – grace to stand firm and grace to overcome. It is not denying the sadness. It is embracing sadness with peace. It is not about ignoring the pain. It is holding the pain and placing it in the hand of Jesus – the nail-pierced hands who embraced the cross for me.

Here are Bonnhoeffer’s thoughts on Blessed are those who mourn:
Those who mourn are those who are prepared to renounce and live without everything the world calls happiness and peace. They are those who cannot be brought into accord with the world, who cannot conform to the world. They mourn over the world, its guilt, its fate, and its happiness…. No one loves people more than Jesus’ disciples․ That is why they stand apart, why they mourn; it is meaningful and lovely that Luther translates the Greek word for what is blessed with “to bear suffering.” The important part is the bearing. The community of disciples does not shake off suffering, as if they had nothing to do with it. Instead they bear it. Jesus said: In the world, you have troubles. But in me, you will have peace because I have overcome the world. Each time I feel down and out, these words of Jesus comfort me. I can bear suffering. I can mourn because Jesus said: “Blessed are those who mourn.”

I need to learn higher level of mourning: to bear the suffering of the world with those who are suffering… Bearing the suffering of the world is to give up everything the world calls happiness. Mourning and bearing the suffering is to be sad about the world’s condition of guilt, injustice, transient happiness and temporal pleasures, fame of momentary measures.

When I am sad, I need to reach out to the sad. Then I realise sadness is relative. Each day I have to a choice to rejoice even in the midst of sadness. Lord, help me to discern and how to be both sad and glad.